This post is an extra post this week, as I continue to work through the pre-activities towards actually learning something about Japanese in this online textbook. This next short section is excuses I may have for not putting in the work, and reasons I think I will fail. I have been tasked with writing them down, and explaining why they should not hold me back.
Excuse the first: I have not the time. It is true, my schedule is very full lately, and I am in a number of difficult courses here at MCLA at the moment. This, however, is no excuse. I WANT this. I want it bad. It is tied to not one, not two, but THREE things that are important to me.
Reason the first: I want to respect and honor the gods. They know I've had a good life, tough at times, but overall a good life. They've been kind to me. It is up to me to live up to this kindness. It is why I strive to brighten at least one soul's life every single day. It is why I honor and respect them every day. While the gods in Japan may not be the particular gods watching over me, they damn well deserve proper respect and honor regardless. I am working towards a profession that hopefully will help not one person a day, but many, and for much longer. I am (or at least try to be) kind and friendly, a proper gentleman to all. I hold doors no matter who you are. I try to remember to say my pleases and thank-yous. ALL of my apologies are heart felt and sincere. I hope I have positively impacted someone's life today and every day.
Reason the second: I am travelling to Japan in the spring. Most people in the United States seem to arrogantly demand that when in the U.S. everyone speak English, and then make no effort to extend the same courtesy when in other countries. I need to at least attempt to extend this courtesy to the Japanese during my stay there. I know that due to their school systems the great majority of them has a reasonable understanding of the English language in addition to their native Japanese, but that is ABSOLUTELY ZERO excuse. Accents and natural, fluent, quick speaking are inherent barriers even when speaking the same language. In their ancient and proud country, I will show them this courtesy while being a humble guest within their borders.
Reason the third: I dream of one day living there. The language barrier is one of the larger, if not the largest obstacle to this dream. If I can learn this language, I am that much closer to accomplishing a longtime dream of mine, and all too rarely these days to people even seem to work towards such dreams. This is not just about the language, but also about the personal growth and the journey that will result from this undertaking. Even just in these two short hours since beginning I have revisited a lot of memories, some of them quite painful, some of them quite joyful, and I have learned more of myself than I have in a good while. If that is not reason enough on its own to keep going then I don't know how I will get through this even with the other two reasons.
Excuse the second: I will quit one day. This happens to the majority of goals that I set myself. My gods damned depression rears its head, or I otherwise lose heart, lose will, and give up the journey, slinking back to the cavern of my solitary mind to hide in the darkness from that which challenges me, or otherwise attempts to pull me from my comfort zone and change me for better or for worse. This is no excuse I am happy to accept, but it has forced its way upon me one time too many. I will NOT let it BEAT me AGAIN. If the last reason to the previous excuse hasn't outlined it enough, I don't just want to learn Japanese from this. I want to learn the satisfaction of accomplishing a real goal, a worthwhile goal, a difficult one. As my mother said to me, (and mom, if you're reading this I love you, and I don't know if you realize how heartfelt this comment to me was, and how much it means to me,) "You're strong, son. You've got endurance, you've got a lot of endurance. You don't give up. You keep going to the end." I don't remember if this was exactly what was said, but it's what I remember (I also removed my name, because this *is* the internet. if you know me, it belongs in place of son). Mom, you have no idea how much I push through every day. I was suicidal for a very brief time when I was younger, but I looked at my self and said "No. This is usually said to be the cowards way out," when contemplating suicide the one and only time I did (I never even got to the planning stage, I merely considered it for what it was, a way out of the pain and weariness of life), "I think it's quite a courageous way to go, knowing how many people you would hurt, devastate, and destroy with that simple action of wishing for it all to end." The thought of hurting you, mum, and my other family and friends, that is what kept me going. I couldn't bear the thought of causing that much pain to you, or anyone else who knew and cared for me. So I raised my face to the sky, as tear-stained as it was underneath my skin, and said "I will go on, if not for me, for those who love me." Oh how I have not given up. I will keep going till the end. It is this endurance which gets me through life, a week at a time, and it is this endurance I will now attempt to turn against the pain which caused it in the very first place. I am truly happier than I have ever been in my life this year, and I am making progress in almost all aspects of my life, but I still fail when setting long term goals. I am strong. I have endurance. I will not give up. I will see this goal through to the end. I will keep going. With time, I will succeed. Every other time, I have run out of strength for something other than just getting through the day and keeping what I consider the necessities going. I then fall into a depression made all the deeper by knowing that I then failed at another goal in life. I AM FED UP WITH THAT. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.
Those are the major excuses I can think of, and I'm sure more will pop up as this journey goes onward, and I will deal with them appropriately when they arise. That is, I will quash them like the vile, unimportant and unwanted insects that they are! I will do this damnit!
~Dragon
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